i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Randomize
