Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
