I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
