So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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