In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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