beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
