I think I died a long time ago.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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