Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
