But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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