Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
