sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
