been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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