I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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