I could make wine with my vomit
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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