You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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