those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
