talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
50% drunk capacity currently
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
