Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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