I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I came so hard my ears popped.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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