My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
