I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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