Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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