Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
