I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
