If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
