His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
