did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
