I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
