oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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