Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
