you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
