I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
