dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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