i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
