goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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