i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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