The maid of honor just puked.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
