Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just cropdusted the office
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
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