we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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