I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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