Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
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