I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
