how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
