Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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