Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
not ubering you a puppy
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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