the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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