I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do you remember whose house we're in?
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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