i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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