Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
I smell stomach acid.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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