I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
